LIONARTist Big Idea Page 9

Posted: Dec 12 2005 @ 08:24 AM
by: back_gammon

cont...

Sun’s thoughts raced while she threw on some clothes. If she could just make it out the front door…

Fully dressed now, she tiptoed out into the hallway and as close to the living room as she dared. What were Jin and her father doing? Why were they whispering now?

Suddenly she heard them over by the front door. Jin was bidding her father a hasty goodnight, and she soon heard his footsteps coming back across the living room. Sun dashed into the bedroom, sat on the edge of the bed, and composed herself as best she could.

Soon enough, Jin walked in, smiling that dangerous smile of his. But what was he holding, hidden behind his back? She closed her eyes. She could smell the jasmine scented soap faintly still on the last traces of dissipating shower steam.

Jin kissed her. And then he kissed her again. “Open your eyes, Sun.”

Jin had the biggest grin on his face. “I’m sorry Bo-po ruined your surprise for me.” He held up the trashy lingerie which was chewed and shredded. “You must take Bo-po to obedience school before he tears up any more of your good surprises.”

Sun almost collapsed with relief. What glorious fools husbands and wives had to pretend to be to keep their marriages from falling apart. But that did it. No more Fifi Velour. Her heart couldn’t take any more surprises.

But that didn’t mean her husband couldn’t. She smiled wickedly at Jin. “Speaking of obedience school…”

Posted: Dec 12 2005 @ 10:09 AM
by: LIONARTist
SUN BURN
Chapter 3

Claire had gotten Jack and Jack had gotten back to where Sun knelt with both knees holding Charlie's hand with both of her hands in a helping gesture.

"What is wrong with Charlie now!" Bellowed Jack, in his authoritatively strong and masculine doctor voice.

"It was the mangos", replied Sun. "They must've gestated in Claire's stomach lining and created a toxic gas to which Charlie is extremely and deathly allergic to".

"We've got to get Charlie into the hatch!" Shouted Jack.

"Why are you shouting" said Claire. "We're right here not 3 feet from each other's persons".

Just then Jack gave a rectal honk.

"Oh no!" exclaimed Charlie. "Did you have the mangos too?"

"No" said Jack. "I had the kiwis with cheese and butter sauce. Also asparagus and broccoli".

"God help us" stated Sun, who was now chopping off her own nose with a fishbone.

Together, they all ran towards the spot in the jungle where they knew the location of the hatch was just waiting for them to enter into.

As they ran they all got the whistle-britches.

Phwee-toot-poot-belch-Phwee-toot-poot-belch-Phwee-toot-poot-belch-Phwee-toot-poot-belch-Phwee-toot-poot-belch-Phwee-toot-poot-belch-Phwee-toot-poot-belch-Phwee-toot-poot-belch-Phwee-toot-poot-belch-Phwee-toot-poot-belch-Phwee-toot-poot-belch-Phwee-toot-poot-belch.

It was about 200 yards. But I'll spare you the narrative. Well, maybe just one more.

Phwee-toot-poot-belch!

Posted: Dec 12 2005 @ 10:18 AM
by: captainaeon


Phwee-toot-poot-belch!

It is official!

Lion is the King of Gaseous Literary Emissions!!!



Posted: Dec 12 2005 @ 11:00 AM
by: LIONARTist
SUN BURN
Chapter 4

As our 4 friends and the babee entered the beginning part of the jungle where the green parts meet with the gritty sand, they all stopped dead in their tracks. Not really dead as in not breathing. Although Charlie was almost to that point. But they were stopping in a very fast manner which halted all movement from their bodies.

"What's that!" exclaimed Claire!

They all turned and bent at the neck to look with their eyes. (Thanks to Backgammon for that).

Up ahead in the jungle next to some big palm trees, there appeared a big, humongous, gigantic black cloud which swirled in an almost clockwise motion to the gravitational pull of the earth. There accompanied the cloud-like phenomenon, a noise-like phenomenon of epic proportions which sounded like all the machines of the world doing the horizontal mambo.

"Housenfeffer!" Yelled Jack.

All the others just looked at Jack like he was crazy insane.

Just then, Locke stepped out from behind the bushes where the cloud originated from in the location of there.

"Those mangos sure are sumthin", he threw out for everybody's informational purposes. "I ate about 20".

All of them turned without making a noise or statement of any adjunctory specification, and they ran as fast as their hearts would bear the burden of the blood-pumping into their legs.

"Where are we going?!!!" Shouted Charlie, above the din which their many running feet and flatulent emenations created.

"To see a man about a Volkswagen" stated Jack, just that matter-of-factly as he pushed out the wind beneath his cheeks.

Posted: Dec 12 2005 @ 11:08 AM
by: dad_of_4_
lol - jack tooted

Posted: Dec 12 2005 @ 11:12 AM
by: back_gammon

It is official!

Lion is the King of Gaseous Literary Emissions!!!

Yay though I walk through the valley of cataclysmic emissions converters, I will fear no weavils, nor papayas, for LION's ART will comfort me...


Posted: Dec 12 2005 @ 11:58 AM
by: Hatchcrazy
This thread is more fun than eating twenty mangoes!
I love the "they bent at the neck" thing
and also LION had me absolutely dying at:
"ress....resessa...recassita....CPR."


THE VOLCANO HAS A HISSY-FIT
----------------or---------------------
Embittered coolant for a new world


''''''''''''''''''''''''Sure, Hanso had said that there was a volcagno. Hanso said a lot of things. Like 'I like chocolate lollipops' and 'Get me that roll of paper towels, b!tch!' Yeah, Alvar was pretty much fried at this point. But he still could bring it during stockholder meetings "I want to see that p\e ratio up or I will rip out your gonads with a gardening tool!!" and at his botany club meetings "I want a bag of african violet mix pronto or I will rip out your gonads with...with..." he looked around the room fugitively. His eye fell down the desk. "With this letter opener!!Scum!"
''''''''''''''''''''''''''But now,now was the time of time being short for him, not midget short but still the October of his years...he still had leaves on his tree (EEEEEWWW!!). He had a good man in mind for a mission. A mission of hope. Hope and Faith. Faithful hope. Hopeful Faith. He needed a percodan.
''''''''''''''''''''''''''Into Alvar Hanso's office walked a tall, handome man with keen eyes. Eyes that could fool you for twenty days or so. "You'll be meeting him at the Tehrani Disco." Hanso said. "I hate that place!" keen eyes said."All they have for food is khlauogh khalosch!" "You don't have to go win, he'll be in his car in the parking lot. Get in, he'll ask for the password. After that , your on your own." Hanso stroked and curled his invisible beard with his indivisible hands. "He will ask 'what did one showman say to the other showman? Do you know what to say?"
"Yes" Goodwin replied "Do you smell contracts?"

NEXT: E PLURIBUS UNUM; A CWAZY ISLAND MASH-UP!!

Posted: Dec 12 2005 @ 01:04 PM
by: Hatchcrazy

She was up on all fours now whimpering softly. She looked at the yellow lab. His beautiful brown eyes were full of fear and he too was on all fours.
...............................................................
"Nasty gash you got there. Does it hurt?"

Yiiiiiiiii!!!!!!
This is like two modifiers away from becoming a doggy island porno.
(page 8)

Posted: Dec 12 2005 @ 02:01 PM
by: LIONARTist
SUN BURN
Chapter 5

Sun ran on alone. She had managed to ditch the others by faking an old war wound injury.

"Oh, my old war wound injury!" she had said. "You go that way around the old caves and I'll meet you later. Here's my REAL telephone number in case I don't see you".

Now she was running in the opposite direction, down the beach. She had lost her shoes and the sand was so hot you could fry a gritty sandy egg on it, if you wanted to have sand in your stomach along with your fried egg.

"Ow-ow-ow-ow!" she cried with each burning step. Her colon began to rumble again.
"Ow-toot-ow-toot-ow-toot-ow-toot!"
Sun was making quite a spectacle of herself as she trotted and tooted down the hot gritty sandy beach.
Sand was being blown in all directions behind her from the force of her expulsions.

Just then Jin stepped out from behind a big rock. It was big enough to where Sun couldn't see what he was doing behind the back side of it and she wondered about this fact as she ran.

"JIN!" she yelped. "JIN!" she bajorba-ed. "JIN!" she bellowed, with masticating actions in her dental department.

"What?" Jin finely answered.

"Did you eat the mangos?!!!" Sun inquired in a hasteful gesture of suspisciousity.

His answer came just as the two lovers met in a bearhug of gentle but raucous admiration.

"Yes" he said as they both exploded in a messy pulpish grotesque jamboree of flesh and bone.

It made this noise - "poot".


Posted: Dec 12 2005 @ 03:28 PM
by: Hatchcrazy
E PLURIBUS UNUM: A KWAZY ISLAND MASH-UP!
-----------------------------------------------------------

''''''''''''''''''''''''''The chart. The chart had revealed all like a window reveal holding some veal. That's a lotta veal. Marvin had looked at this thing from all angels and it pointed only to at the one solution. Not just four people, but dozens, forty eight to be precise would be the missing link to the bridge over the river kwai circling the circle of life. He knew he knew this, but why? He glanced off the computer printout but all it said was: "tHis thREAd OwNEd bY AdeE!" of which he could make nothing. When they were all on the island then Hanso would get off his back and back into his tinted window office building.
''''''''''''''''''''''''The chart charted the steps nessassarry to build the perfect human. A piece here, a peice there, and soon you had a doctor/tracker/warrior/soldier/blonde/bass-playing/Korean/ that would be immune from the sickness and able to leap tall plot lines with ease. Also they would 'poosh de button' as Danielle kept kneading him. There was something about her.....something French. He couldn't put his finger on it because it got eaten by Hanso's stupid talking Ape. The Ape didn't even apologise, which really rankled. Marvin sighed a long time than those sighs were meant to be, but still it irked. The bald man would be the hardest, and the baldest. He looked at the shaver with it's quadruple blades. What man could resist this? What manner of man, indeed. Hanso was going to have to get his own chicken tempura from now on. Marvin was movin' on up, lifting it up, to a deluxe apartment in a high rise. He'd finally got a piece of the pie.

NEXT: BUTTERCUP OR BUTTAFUOCO?
----------------------or------------------------
Why does this plane have a bulls-eye on the bottom?


Posted: Dec 12 2005 @ 08:41 PM
by: MeSlapMeThrowRock
The Incident at Tomahawk Ridge

Weepy Jack leaned over the glistening, heaving chest of Sawyer with admiration and a little lust; Jack was a man, after all. Jack thought he heard Sawyer whisper something, not literally “something”, but something else…not “something else”, but…nevermind.

“I love her,” maimed Sawyer intensively. “I love her,” he repeated again.

“What?” Jack coerced and cajoled.

“Who do you love?” Bo Diddley inquired.

“Hey Bo Diddley.” Jack be nimbled.

Kate sneaked in at that moment and exploded Bo Diddley right before Jack’s weeping eyes with a gas pipe and big blow torch.

“Why did you do that?” Jack thwarted galumphingly.

“For the insurance,” Kate parried with a flick of her machete. “Just give me an hour before you start crying again.”

“What insurance?” Jack be spryed. He eyed Kate with his eyes and thought she was one dangerous gal with his mind. He commented what he should do next, unfortunately Kate heard his comment.

“Why are you commenting what you should do next?” Kate sliced the air of tension with her carving knife. She took a step away from Jack who was spry and nimble much like Harrison Ford and the Millennium Falcon.

“I didn’t mean to comment, I meant to contemplate,” retorted Jack retortfully and somewhat regretfully.

“Why are you saying that somewhat regretfully?” machine-gunned Kate looking at him with eyes of steel and some gold plating.

“I didn’t say that out loud. You’re reading my speech descriptors,” Jack said mutedly lest Kate hear him.

Immediately, there was moaning that drew their attention; it was coming from the floor. That confused Jack further then he had ever been confused before and boy had he been confused before now as in the present circumstances.

Kate knew what the moaning meant; she had heard this moaning before like in the past, not the present time. It reminded her of time she blowed up Roy Orbison. Although, if she were honest with herself she would have to admit that Roy’s moaning was more high pitched than Bo’s was, but Kate couldn’t be honest even with herself so she went back and erased her memory descriptor lest she hear herself.

“Man, that was a close call,” Kate sliced and diced to herself. Lies were all she could hold onto. All she could trust in this world…island. That and Jack’s weepiness. And her murderous streak. And her attraction to Sawyer…and Jack. And her relationship with Sayid whose technologies she enjoyed breaking. She thought as she clamped her hand over Bo’s nose and mouth.

“What are you doing, Kate? He’s still breathing!” exclaimed Jack with an exclamation pointing at Kate with fear.

Kate knocked the pointing exclamation out of Jack’s hands with her baseball bat reminding her of the time she and Tom kissed. “Jack, I am perfectly aware of what I’m doing and as a doctor you should understand that,” pureed Kate slurpily.

“First of all, slurpily is not even a word. Thricely, I have killed plenty of patients and you have to nick the hepatic artery,” wept Jack hysterically and with emotion and stoicism. He moved towards Kate in an emotionally bereft manner, tripping over the gas pipe she had discarded like a pair of dirty old underwear from an eighty-year old man.

“I heard that,” dissected Kate in that way women do.

“Heard what?” moaned Jack…no, not moaned, that would get him killed…emoted Jack. There, that’s better, Jack thought to himself just like Harrison Ford would.

“I heard you fall on the gas pipe I used to blow up Bo with,” tortured Kate woefully and with a snap of her fingers. She hoped Jack didn’t hear the snap of fingers that were hers for that would reveal her true lustful feelings for Sawyer to Jack.

“Of course you heard me fall on it. You saw me fall on it too, unless you’ve slept with a hooker recently and you are farsighted,” doctored Jack knowingly and without remorse. He wanted to also say “Unagi” wisely, but he was aware like no one’s business that Kate had not attended college and would not understand.

“It means salmon skin roll and you’ve just ruined the secret Santa gift I was going to give you,” battered Kate while smothering the life out of Bo who knew too.

That made Jack cry and weep uncontrollably while leaking from his eyes.

To be continued...


Posted: Dec 13 2005 @ 06:33 AM
by: LIONARTist

like a pair of dirty old underwear from an eighty-year old man.

I was wondering where those had got to.


Posted: Dec 13 2005 @ 06:33 AM
by: LIONARTist
One of the worst yet, Slap. I wept.


Posted: Dec 13 2005 @ 07:13 AM
by: LIONARTist
That confused Jack further then he had ever been confused before and boy had he been confused before now as in the present circumstances.

Slaaaap. You're sounding like some other people we know.

THEN

1. At that time: I was still in school then. Come at noon; I'll be ready then.

2. Next in time, space, or order; immediately afterward: watched the late movie and then went to bed.

3. In addition; moreover; besides: It costs $20, and then there's the sales tax to pay.

4. Used after but to qualify or balance a preceding statement: The star was nervous, but then who isn't on the first night of a new play.

5. In that case; accordingly: If traffic is heavy, then allow extra time.

6. As a consequence; therefore: The case, then, is closed.

THAN

1. Used after a comparative adjective or adverb to introduce the second element or clause of an unequal comparison: She is a better athlete than I.

2. Used to introduce the second element after certain words indicating difference: He draws quite differently than she does.

3. When. Used especially after hardly and scarcely: I had scarcely walked in the door than the commotion started.

Asshattiness took over.

Posted: Dec 13 2005 @ 08:55 AM
by: LIONARTist
I don't want to be dissin any gay cowboys. But shouldn't that movie be called "Bare Butt Mounting"?

Posted: Dec 13 2005 @ 09:53 AM
by: back_gammon
We interrupt this escalating thread of obfuscating fiction for a biased opinion disguised as a news report.

I am just thrilled that one of my all time favorite mad geniuses, Stephen Chow Sing-Chi, has just received a golden globe nomination. His 2004 film, Kung Fu (aka Kung Fu Hustle), which he wrote, directed, starred in, as well as produced, has been nominated for best foreign film.

Here's a link if anyone is interested.

http://www.lovehkfilm.com/reviews_2/kung_fu_hustle.htm


And now back to our regular programming...

Posted: Dec 13 2005 @ 10:15 AM
by: LIONARTist
I loved Kung Fu Hustle. The part where they were trying to throw the knives had me on the floor.

Posted: Dec 13 2005 @ 12:01 PM
by: back_gammon

Growing the Wrong Way

Growing the wrong way, the shiny razors of Dr. Jack was not needed for hairs that was, in fact, curling inward on the island, which nobody knew where they were.

But Locke, being the only one else, always had to put in his two boars, since he’d clearly lost his oars. The water was boiling.

“Jack!” Locke’s lips proclaimed themselves. The legs of Locke was good and sturdy today. His two bluish colored eyes was all bleached out from the brutal blaring of the sun, but his dome on the beach was tanned to perfection.

“Locke!” The mouth of Jack retorted back. Staring at the shiny razors, both hands reached for the strap of sharpening. No shaky hands for Jack so near the boiling water.

Sayid walked up, on the side of Jack. “So you are preparing to scrape the hairs from the two boars, perhaps in preparation for tanning the hide and fashioning some exquisitely beautiful high-heeled sandals?” His look at me lips quivered.

“Oh!” The mouth of Locke quickly discharged and spat out his confusion. Did Sayid have a foot fetish, his mouth wanted to know?

“Huh?” the tanned neck of Jack coiled in a tight rope of tension.

Suddenly, a loud long – somewhere – agonizing grunt-like – over there - scream was heard by the men off in the bushes...

Cont…

Posted: Dec 13 2005 @ 01:20 PM
by: MeSlapMeThrowRock

The Incident at Tomahawk Ridge (continued)

"Dud, is Bo Diddley breathing under the tarp?" Hurley galumphed frequently. He continued digging the grave of Bo, but with less behemoth than before.

"Bo is not bloody breathing, Hurley! When Kate kills someone, they stay dead," screeched Charlie in that poncy way of his while spitting mango bits from between his teeth or rotting humps of ivory as Charlie affectionately referred to his mandibular partitions.

Hurley dodged the mango bits emitting from Charlie's mandibular partitions in his spry, but choking manner. "Yeah dud, about Ethan..." Hurley started startledly in his stop and go fashion of the 80s.

"Hurley! Pay bloody attention! Ethan's dead, Bo is dead and your not a millionaire," ponced Charlie bollocky while arsing with the shovel.

But I am a millionaire, Hurley seamed to himself in that stitch-splitting way he had with his thoughts. Maybe Charlie's wrong about Ethan and Bo, Hurley sighed heavily with girth.

"Hurley! I heard that stitch-splitting you were doing and you are not a bloody poncing, arsing millionaire!" rotting teeth Charlie annoyed vehemently speaking.

"Dud, I didn't say anything," churned Hurley like butter and goat's milk moving into his ninja stance in case Charlie had recently eaten some shrapnel.

Charlie moved into his girly runway pose just in case Hurley was flirting with him. "Your bloody stitch-splitting gave your inner thoughts away," spit Charlie with major amounts of ham projectiling.

"Good lord, Hurley...if you won't off the little runt, I will!" cursed Bo Diddley from beyond the grave...ten feet beyond the grave under the tarp and through the looking glass to grandma's house.

"DUD!! I told you!" elephanted Hurley peanuttily while Charlie started stabbing coconuts out of fear.

Suddenly there is a rustling in the trees nearby and Sayid appeared carrying a gaggle of shell phones he was developing for god knows what reason.

"Charlie, I too have been through a traumatic event of biblical proportions and violence against coconuts is not the answer," Sayid torturiously danced while swinging his numchucks about only how an ex-Republican can do.

Charlie was stunned, but what else was new. "Sayid! Don't just dance there swinging your numchucks about like an ex-Republican...tell Hurley he's not a millionaire," bloodied arsing Charlie impetiously bedeckled like a leprachan high on maryjane.

Sayid discontinued dancing and swinging his numchucks just in time to deflect a piece of shrapnel ejecting from Charlie's mandibular partition.

Hurley was glad he had remained in his ninja stance...it saved his life.

To be continued...or not

Posted: Dec 13 2005 @ 02:05 PM
by: back_gammon

Cont…
...From the loins down with their powerful buttocks well exercised, Jack, Locke, and Sayid tore off glistening toward the bushes. Big green leaves slapped at their powerful thighs, making a sound like snapping towels in a locker room. But the agonizing grunting was all gone by the time they arrived.

Squatting down, they found Hurley trying to put on some dignified air. It was the last can of aerosol dignified air and Hurley quickly hid it.

“Hurley, why did you scream?” questioned the always probing Sayid.

“Look!” Hurley pointed at the jungle floor.

All eyes looking there, a pair of toes peeked out from the jungle floor.

“What!” said Sayid, Locke, and Jack in unison! "What is that??!!"

Collapsing their pelvises to see better, all four men looked hard before rocking back on their heels in a swoon.

Toes, beautifully manicured toes, growing upward, just breaking through the surface of the rich, moist, fertile, loam of the jungle floor...


Posted: Dec 13 2005 @ 03:36 PM
by: captainaeon


Collapsing their pelvises to see better, all four men looked hard before rocking back on their heels in a swoon.

Toes, beautifully manicured toes, growing upward, just breaking through the surface of the rich, moist, fertile, loam of the jungle floor...

You have leapt high into the air and landed back on the ground somewhere between Salvadore Dali and Robert Maplethorpe!

Must have more...

Posted: Dec 13 2005 @ 03:38 PM
by: MeSlapMeThrowRock
ROTFLMAO

Posted: Dec 13 2005 @ 06:02 PM
by: back_gammon
cont…
Sayid was the first to recover from the group swoon because of long military training and extensive practice.

Crawling on all fours toward the toes, thighs glistening like oiled gladiators, nothing appeared dirty to Sayid. Just toes. Pristine toes.

Arousing next, Hurley came close behind Sayid. Perhaps because he was something of a warrior himself and not afraid, he reached between them with his index finger. Dry. Dry as a bone.

Groaning and moaning together, Locke and Jack were the last to revive. Not to be outdone by Sayid and Hurley, Locke quickly crawled forward and gave each a sniff.

Seeing what was happening, Jack had to get on top of everything. “What do we know now that we didn’t before?” he asked, quickly taking charge and bunching his manly firm thighs and crawling close to reinsert himself in a place of authority.

“The smell is good, said Locke. Sweat was glistening and running down his tanned face and neck.

“There is nothing dirty whatsoever,” came Sayid’s pronouncement.

Lowering his head by the tightly coiled neck, Jack was trying to examine the nail polish color.

“Got any more?” he asked over his shoulder. Beating down from above, the sun burned with intensity.

“The toes are all dry in between,” Hurley declared.

Suddenly the toes wiggled, this time not sending the men into a swoon, but into a panic. Screaming at the top of their frenzied rock-hard thighs, leaping across logs and puddles and running helter skelter through the thicket, panic stricken, into the jungle without thought or mind to use it, the four men ran, as fast as their bursting lungs would carry them….

Cont…